Fear

One of a mother's worst fears is probably when she has two kids that really need her. 

She needs to be in two places at once but can't. She has to choose to be with one.

I would hate to be in this situation. 

That is our situation now in our family. 

When Robbie and I moved to South Carolina, I knew I was going to be far from my family and my friends. I was extremely sad. But I knew that those big milestones in life, those my family would never miss. 

I was wrong. 

I am expecting Ainsley any day now before Thursday. They are going to start my labor for me on Thursday. 

I am expecting a healthy baby. I have had a healthy pregnancy. This is suppose to my parents first grandchild.

I knew as soon as I got pregnant that I needed my mom here. 

The tables turned last week. The same week that all the stuff with the house was happening (read last blog post to know what that is about). I get a call that my sister is in the ER. She is 28 weeks pregnant and was sick. She has thus been in and out since then and now they are continuing to have to stop her labor. My mom is by her side. Her friends are by her side. Her husband. Even my dad goes to see her (and if anyone knows me I am truly a daddies girl). 

This all being said. No one plans these things. My sister didnt plan on getting pregnant a couple months after me. She didnt plan on being sick and in the hospital at the same time I am suppose to deliever my baby. Its not her fault. And honestly it has added stress to me because I am worried about my sister. I want her to get better and I want baby Liam to be healthy and make it to his due date. 

But as for me. I have been bottling it in. Im trying so hard to keep it together.,.. but today it hit me. I relaly dont think my mom is going to be here when Ainsley is born. Neither of my parents are going to be here for their first grandchild's birth. What am I going to d after she is born without her? I have no family here. I have none of my closest friends here. Everyone is 10 hours away. 

Now I know that we have a wonderful new church family. And I know that they are willing and wanting to help out. Its not that I am ungrateful or that I dont love them back. But its just not the same. When you are going to deliver your first child. You want your family there. 

You want your mom there to help you. To teachgyou. To calm you down.

I am also not saying I would reject any help either. 

I just feel like something that is suppose to be so beautiful. And one of the happiest moments of your life, has slowly turned into something so stressful and unpicturesque. Something that continues to lead me to tears. Im trying so hard to find happiness in the situation. Im trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel or to find the bright side of this. I see nothing but darkness and fear. 

I feel forsaken. I feel like its not fair. 

How do you see the light? My Lord is so faithful to me. But yet he continues to keep allowing things to crumble down around me. He is teaching me something. I dont know what it is yet. Or maybe I dont want to know right now. Maybe I just want Him to see it my way and know that his plan is making me very sad. 

I have been updating on facebook about my sister's progress. Everyone is worried about her. I put up a statue about how I would be having Ainlsey this week. Called my parents and family. But when you have a sister who is going through so much right now, it kind of diminishes the fact that I am having Ainsley. Everyone is worried about Christine and Liam that Ainsley is this forgotten child. She's not a big deal. And that hurts me so much as a mother. 

Again...we dont plan on these things. It just so happened to be right now. I am just struggling on how to cope with the situation. I just want to be excited about my baby instead of worried about my sister or my mom not coming.